The beginnings
by TTgo-Starfire
Summary: What? So what? Now what? (Borton, 1970). A reflection on Jay's beginnings, as told from the megastar who gave him up.
1. Chapter 1

Prologue

* * *

"Promise me, please Cliff!"

"I-I can't, I'm sorry."

Cliff Gordon looked beside himself as his young wife deteriorated in his arms. Such a sudden illness had taken her.

The hospitals could do no more for them. Sadly, all that was left was the option to die at home.

Cliff wiped his face, the tears had long since dried but new ones made new tracks. "He would be better if he was raised by a loving and deserving family-"

"But we are deserving of him, of this-" she said, breathing in exertion.

She clutched her chest, feeling like her heart was breaking. "Please Cliff."

"I can't raise him on my own Libby!" He cried "I can't, he looks so much like you."

"The eyes, isn't it?" She smiled, with the little energy she had left. "Take care of our boy, Cliff. Please." Her eyes had closed. Exuding nought but serenity as she took her last shuddered breaths. The chain stoking final breaths being the last nail in her coffin as she looked up at her husband.

She was memorising his face, every last detail of her true love and the baby he held tightly. "I, love" she struggled to find the words, her strength waning, "both, of you-"

"I-I will Libby." He picked up her hand, kissing it gently, stroking that blonde hair from her face. "We love you, more than you will ever know."


	2. Film set

An alien planet film set (SoS) scene 59 take 20 (90 minutes break)

The sea of sand is a dusty place, not the ideal place for a baby but here we are. Stuck in this home from home, luxury Winnebago. The only reason that people know that this trailer belongs to me is because of the cooing and occasional crying baby sounds coming from within.

Every one else who has kids and family are smart enough to leave them at home, except for me. I really need to think of something and fast, we can't live like this, it's not right for him.

* * *

This here, this was the set directors idea. Yeah, it was him who decided that we should stay on the outskirts of the desert. Two reasons being: difficulty in getting the film crew on set in a timely manner. Secondly, we need ATV's to get anywhere, anything too heavy and we'll be stuck fast in the sand.

Apparently, the nearest inhabitants of this desert live a good 50 miles from here. In fact, some of their machinery was used to get the props in place and to provide a firm base to prevent the props from sinking.

So, onto the movie.

This movie, is set to become the the next big thing. I just hope I can pull off the character and make him as good as the original comics were.

See the good thing about this franchise is that I'm contracted in for the long haul. My casting agent was on the ball, got at least ten more years of work lined up just to play Fritz Donnegan.

Looking up at the time, I'm due back on set in a little over thirty minutes to do a night scene. Hey, it's amazing that the producers and graphics guys can make it look so good. See, even though it's lunchtime, I'm about to do a night scene, all they gotta use is a few simple filters and hey 'tada' it's nighttime.

Honestly, I never get enough time to do anything. Even little guy here never gets my full attention now. I pull him from his high chair and place him on my lap. There aren't enough hours in the day to spend time with him or to bond.

* * *

This little tyke certainly loves his pudding cups over everything, second perhaps to his savoury food. The reason I know this; he is wearing most of his savoury food. He turns his head away when I try to feed him. I even tried the aeroplane and the train tactic, neither worked. I soon realised that he was waiting for the pudding, Jay obviously has a sweet tooth just like his mommy.

Another funny thing is, he's only got four milkteeth yet he tries gnawing on anything he can get his little fists on. So I bought him a set of teething toys, these ones were slightly different to the car key teethers, these were shaped like actual tools.

"I'm so sorry Jay, this isn't right. This shouldn't be how a child is raised. You need stability, routine and most importantly-"

The door opens and in walks the nanny. She looks windswept by an impromptu sandstorm but regardless, she's happy to be here.

Maybe the smile that is still plastered to her face is because she's keeping me company, yeah, I've heard the rumours. Single father, rising superstar looking for that special someone to settle down with.

Well guess what? I tried that, fell in love big style. Bought a house, got married and had a honeymoon. Nine months later and this little blue eyed bundle arrived.

And for a few months everything was good. Libby and her team had rested up after battling Krux and Acronix and we married soon after the threat had passed. Little Jay had arrived nine months after the last day of our honeymoon. Everything was perfect, too perfect.

I had a small and steady stream of work coming in, thanks in part to my awesome casting directors. Some comic cons had been lined up, guest appearances on various shows and some movies were in the pipeline.

But then eventually the good times always end.

They called it an elemental fever, an illness that was mostly incurable, and this despite having enough money to fund treatment. They couldn't do anymore for her, she died in my arms.

I looked back at my son, he has my hair colour (when it's not dyed) and Libby's eyes. "Hey little guy, it's been almost six months."

I snuggle him as close as I can. "You need love Jay," I kiss his forehead and pass him to the nanny.

Picking up my lines again, I memorise them. Letting the scenes run through my mind, like I am Fritz.

This next scene is the pinnacle, the crux. I've got to get it spot on because if I don't this next scene could take hours.

"Not sure what time I'll be back but-" I paused to look at my only son. The heartbreak I feel when I look into his eyes brings it all back. "If he's hard to settle, give him his favourite large blue plushy and put the starred Libby video on. It'll send the little tyke right off."


	3. A N Other prop stunts

**Thank you for the reviews**

* * *

That scene took far longer than I had anticipated. By the time I had got back, another nanny had arrived and was nursing Jay back to sleep. His favourite blue plushy, was almost as big as he was when he snuggled into it.

I could hear him finishing his bottle, struggling to finish the last drops of milk before his little blue eyes would close. The same suckling sounds he made when Libby nursed him suddenly makes my eyes sting.

It wasn't fair for him, he had no maternal figure because each nanny would be different and he would never settle unless I was nearby.

All was quiet until the nanny repositioned him and then he let out a half decent belch of trapped air, and I'm fairly certain, a large amount of possetted milk came up too.

Looks like the nanny has it covered (literally), she wipes her shoulder down with a cloth and places him in his cotbed putting the nightlight lullaby on.

Yes, after a full day of acting and using the best of the sun's rays meant I had spent an entire day on the set. I was too bone tired to dismiss the nanny so I too joined my son in the land of slumber. To be fair, I didn't even hear her leave.

A new one had arrived outside the trailer when I had woken at 5am. I had Jay next to me, snuggling. "Come in."

He startled when the door was opened.

* * *

This wasn't working, we'd been travelling on the road for two months now.

My agents said it would be good to get back into the swing of things. Emotional scenes such as the loss of a well-known teammate always required a good amount of emotive exploration. Again, it could either make or break the scene and my heartbreak helped make those scenes pop, it just came naturally.

I guess you could say it wasn't a healthy attitude to have. Did I say that acting was easy?

It never was, never will be, not when families are involved.

See if Libby was still here, she'd accompany me for a few weeks and then she'd be off with her team of elemental masters, risking life and limb whilst I act it all out of the big screen for those adoring fans, year in year out.

And I like to think that I play the part of the hero well. The real heroes were the ones that no-one ever knew, at least not personally, unlike me. See I knew of a hero, she was called Libby. She bore me a beautiful blue eyed son, who I know, will soon follow in her footsteps.

Her sensei had spoken to me a few days after her wake. It only felt like last week but in reality it was more like three months ago. He mentioned that her element had passed on to Jay. I shrugged it off, no father really wants to hear that his only child is destined to become the same elemental fighter that so cruelly took the life of his mother.

 _A place will be given to him when he is ready._

 _I won't allow it, not knowing what happened to Libby. Why should he share the same fate?_

 _It is foretold by the First Spinjitzu Master that he will be one of the four great elemental masters._

 _But at what risk? He could die, I can't watch my only son die as well as my wife._

 _There is always a great risk, but we must overcome our fears._

 _Then I'll take him far away, somewhere you'll never find him, that'll lower the risk._

 _I do not threaten, Mr Gordon. We all loved her as one of our own, her loss and that of Ray and Maya is felt by all._

 _Like hell you don't threaten. You stay away from us._

* * *

So let me tell you about yesterday:

What happened: The prop side buggy I was taking my shot in had lost a wheel and the thing was soon stuck fast in the sand. Technically someone said it was sinking thanks in part to the added momentum of the other rear wheel which was spinning. Being told you're sinking is not the best feeling in the world, especially knowing that you are strapped into said sinking vehicle.

So what: Anyway, a kind man who was likely a good few years older than me had offered to help. Apparently, his name was Ed, short for Edward. He had fashioned a wrecking ball into a grabber. I was told, in no uncertain terms that it was called a grappling hook, yet here's me thinking that a grappling hook is one of those things you use to grasp onto buildings to gain a purchase before you climb or abseil.

Well, he rescued me and the dune buggy. Heck, the guy even repaired it too. The prop director was so impressed he asked if Ed could stay nearby tomorrow if we needed his services again.

Even the chief lighting technician was impressed. Danny was primarily responsible for developing a lighting plan according to the desires of the Director of Photography. He mostly informed the best boy and key grip on where and which lights are to be placed. Ed was pretty good, Danny was almost out of a job. Yes, it was a tense few hours, bickering aside.

Anyway, Ed seemed happy to assist the lighting crew and sort out the electrical department but shunned the end credit spotlight, I don't blame him though, I mean who really stays behind to watch the entire film crew and production list?

Instead, he said him and his wife would pop over tomorrow (now today) to provide some much-needed home cooked food. Don't get me wrong the food they provide here is nice but it can get a bit samey after a while. And the queue is enormous, the gaffer and the art department are usually the first ones in the line. Shortly followed by the costume department. The actors seem to have to wait it out and by then all the good stuff has gone.

I had invited him and his wife to join me in my trailer, mostly to show my appreciation of Ed's earlier work.


	4. busy, busy, busy

_"Cliff, do you take Audra to be your lawful wedded wife, do you promise to care for her, remain faithful to her forsaking all_ other's _until death do you part?"_

 _"I do."_

 _"Audra, do you take Cliff to be your lawful wedded husband, do you promise to care for him, remain faithful to him, forsaking all other's, until death do you part?"_

 _"I do." She chuckled at me and rolled her eyes._

 _"Please take care of him, Cliff, look after our son."_

I had woken up in a cold sweat.

Not that dreaming of our sacred vows was nightmare inducing rather the opposite. Sadly, the fact is that this dream always starts the same, the dream sequence progresses until Libby dies and Jay grows up to follow in her footsteps and despite everything, every possibly thing I do, or I try, he dies too.

 _Ya know, Audra_ , when I first met her, preferred to be called Libby. It seemed to suit her better but we forgot to tell the ordained minister of this. Not that it mattered to me, she wasn't hugely fond of it though what with it being on our marriage certificate.

Honestly, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on, we met typically when I was resting from a particularly difficult action scene, we dated for a few months too. There was just something about her that caught my attention, her eyes for sure, her hair was dazzling, her personality was addictive and her jovial talkative nature always brought a smile to my face.

God, I loved her so much.

* * *

So I'm told, this movie is nowhere close to being complete, it's still a WIP according to the director. Maybe a few more months on set to finish up some last shots then it's up to the CGI guys to finish up the shots.

Yesterday was mostly action scenes, it took approximately 14 hours to do but suffice to say we got a lot done in that time, despite being stuck in the sand for an hour.

Let me explain further; so sometimes the end of the movie is done before the middle, sometimes it's done first. It never always runs in perfect chronological order. Being in this business for the years that I have, I have never really questioned it.

But I did hear a reason for it; accidents will happen was all I was told. Some of my co-stars, (myself included) we all have stunt doubles for the dangerous stuff, but even with standard scenes, things can still go wrong which is why it was always important for the beginnings and ends to be done first because if needs be; the stunt double can always fill in for the main star if anything were to happen.

And believe me, things have happened before, actors have died, warranting the use of CGI to recreate an exact image of that face for the crucial parts, movie magic apparently!

The Prop director called it a 'negligent discharge,' it basically meant that a bullet flew out of the prop gun rather than a blank. Yeah, that one is a doozy!

To make it look real and for close up shots they use real guns, the bullets should be blanks, so they say. It's frustrating really, even more so for an actor who either has to point the weapon at someone or who has it pointed at them. I'm told that there should never be live rounds in the firearm but there sometimes have been and good people have died, people whom I've personally known.

I haven't always played Fritz, sometimes I played bit parts and did a few early roles as a sidekick or villain just to get onto the career ladder, ya know to up my repertoire, to make it look like I can pull off supporting actors as well as villains.

It makes it all seem so real, how vulnerable we are, even as an actor who you'd think had an easy job.

Anyway, cut the chase; today will be mostly focussed on repetitive takes because it'll be largely focussed on the spaceship, liaising with my crew mates.

I had left the trailer swiftly, I had to clear my head, had to find solace and practice my lines so I'm actually on set early today, and because of that, I didn't get to spend any time with little guy this morning, that was seven hours ago. The nanny had come and had taken over with bathing and feeding him because I was a literal wreck.

I know he was hysterical when I left.

They say that babies can pick up on stress and no matter what I tried didn't seem to soothe him at all. He had got himself into such a state, even when he fell asleep again he was sobbing, it was hard to watch his little face and his bottom lip curl into a fitful whimper when he slept.

* * *

I think this time apart is beginning to affect him, but what choice do I have?

And I hate myself for admitting this but-

I can't do this anymore-

It's not fair for him, it's not fair for me.

Each time I look into his eyes, I see Libby.


	5. The day Walkers

We had a late lunch today and, as agreed, we had invited Ed and his wife Edna, for a tour of the outdoor film set before it was packed away. We had to be ready to leave for the remainder of the production, because the movie was due to be finished up in the film studios.

Ed and Edna had turned up in an old large jalopy of sorts, but this little number wasn't any brand I'd ever seen. I heard him mention the words 'customised' and 'artistic impersonation of a great' being bandied around. Obviously it was customised, no classic car I knew of could possibly handle the harsh sands of the desert, day in day out.

I figured that this beast of a car was more than up to the job. It was just another of his skills coming to the forefront.

Opening my trailer door, I allowed them access into my home from home.

They didn't seem to care at the fact that I was living in a large trailer, nor that there was a nanny on board who promptly left.

Edna was immediately at Jay's side. I could tell that look, it was a longing to pick him up. Ed had quickly relieved her of the foodstuffs she had brought with her before joining me on the large sofa.

"Quite a nice trailer ya got here, ha Edna?"

"Sure is, almost reminds me of our home." She was still hovering around the playpen watching admirably as Jay attempted to crawl, he was still doing a commando crawl, the little tyke couldn't lift his belly because his arms and legs weren't quite there yet.

He quickly lost interest in crawling and sat up, choosing to gnaw on a building block whilst looking at both me and Edna with wide curious eyes.

"Da, da, da...da.." he babbled and smiled at me, I knew he was trying to say it.

I tilted my head, no one usually asked to pick him up or soothe him they just literally did it. She seemed reluctant without due permission, perhaps she was scared of injuring him and being drawn into a lengthy legal battle.

Yeah, I wasn't one of those millionaires, not yet anyway.

I shrugged at her, "He won't mind. He's a little restless though but for some reason, he loves female company."

Jay had immediately stopped biting his teethers and watched as an unknown pair of hands approached him in his caged playpen. The octagonal playpen took up most of the living room floor, giving the smallest amount of free space to pass by safely.

No expense was spared for my only son.

She cooed at him first and his little blue eyes stared up at her. "And aren't you just the cutest button-nosed baby here?" She exclaimed with a beaming smile.

He thrashed his arms around excitedly, a toothy grin appeared on his dribble soaked face.

"Yes you are, I could just smush you up, you're so cute."

She went to pick him up and he turned his attention onto me and his soaking wet drool covered building block.

He looked across at me with his bottom lip quivering. He was looking for some reassurance, the type that a only a parent can give. I offered him a smile which relaxed him and then I continued to talk to Ed about manly stuff.

It was a huge relief to talk about something other than developmental stages and contents of diapers. To actually sit down and talk, felt amazing. Then eventually the conversation turned back to children.

"Do you have any children?" It was quite a forward question, it was only when I'd asked had I realised how blunt I might have been.

Ed smiled at his wife, a shared look of regret and sorrow.

"Ah, well ya see we were always so busy, what with running our first business. Ya see time simply ran away from us." Ed replied for the both of them.

Edna had taken to Jay like a magnet, she rocked him gently on her hip as he remained chewing anything he could get a purchase on.

"We left it too late." Edna finally said, even though she was blowing raspberries at Jay.

"I'm sorry." I felt awful about asking of something so private. "I didn't mean to pry."

"Oh come now Mr Gordon, we're not shy folk, we love to talk." Ed had responded, trying to diffuse the non-existent tension that I thought I had created.

"We live in the desert, it's nice to be able to talk with other people, isn't that right dear?"

"It sure is Ed." She suddenly looked up at me. "Ya know, we always wanted children, but it never worked out for us. It was like fate had other ideas. Ideas that we're still not sure of yet. We just figured that something would happen sooner or later but it never did."

"Say, Mr Gordon, this little fella smells a little ripe." Edna had noticed but as yet didn't seem overly squeamish at the pungent aroma of baby poop. She hadn't even hastily put him down like so many crewmates and fellow actors had previously.

Sheesh, guys come on, it's a natural human process, we all do it.

Before I had a chance to do it, she offered willingly. My eyebrow rose but I didn't question, instead, I just gave her what she'd need.

"Diaper, wipes, fragranced bag and cream if he's sore, he shouldn't be though. I pay enough for them to keep him comfortable and dry." I said with a smile and watched as she went off to change him without even batting an eyelid.


	6. The downward spiral

"I'm a seasoned actor. I was classically trained." I stated without any regret. "Trained and received tutelage from Marty Oppenheimer's school of performing arts and the Prestigious Ninjago academy of dramatic arts."

This was only the third time I'd spent any time with Ed and Edna. They both spoke in great detail about themselves, often they would inquire about my field of work, being that it was so different to their own.

The quirky couple seemed to be devoted to their own ideas. They were so passionate about helping others even if it interfered with their own lives.

"Do you want a drink?" I asked as I took a hefty swig of my scotch.

"Yeah, little tyke is fast asleep upstairs. You can go up if you want." I placed my whiskey tumbler down and filled it with a double scotch.

I didn't miss the look on Ed's face when he nodded at Edna.

"I'll go and see him." She mumbled quietly, she still had a look of devotion even when she was concerned about Jay.

I watched her walk up the stairs of our marital home. All the signs of Libby being here were fast being packed away and sent to storage.

This house was my first home. The one I bought when we got married just over a year ago. A two story, three bedroom and two bathroom house with a white picket fence at the front.

Its been sold now, I'll be moving out within the month. My publicist thinks it's for the best. "Onwards and upwards." He said. "A superstar such as yourself needs a home that screams success and power, this place screams family man." He said coldly.

He's single too, thinks it might be good for my image if I follow his lead. I mean, it's paid off so far.

I keep my back to Ed and take another drink.

This envelope and its contents have been plaguing me for the last week. It wasn't a forced decision you see. I came to the conclusion myself.

With shaking hands I removed the paperwork from the envelope and filled the relevant sections with my son's details. The original birth certificate was enclosed and everything else was placed in a keepsake envelope.

Libby had taken the time to savour the details. She'd kept everything and I had added to it when she passed. So far, the box had hid first outfit and soother. A lock of his first curl. It was from his first haircut. Next was his ankle and wrist bands, courtesy of the hospital. I placed those next and absently wiped a rogue tear as it fell.

I quickly downed the the rest of my drink and sifted through the tin. I couldn't do this if I kept anything, everything had to go.

Next was a newspaper from the day he was born. A broadsheet was preferable to a tabloid any day.

His first baby photos, taken in the hospital and then when we got home and every day since.

"Say, Mr Gordon."

I turned to face him. I guessed that my eyes gave me away.

"What are ya doing there? Ya look awfully busy in your own world as it were."

I didn't beat around the bush, there was no point. "I'm putting him up for adoption."

Ed recoiled at my words and his face fell in realisation. He didn't ask for the reason but then he didn't speak either. He was speechless.

"It's going through the system now. Social services have been in contact, they're looking for the best placement for him. Loving family, discretion and so on."

"Besides, even if they can't find a family, short term foster care will look after him."

* * *

Ed shuddered at the thought of that little blue eyed baby being passed around from home to home. He wondered if Cliff actually knew how bad foster care was for children. Having heard that some foster parents only did it for the well paid government incentives.

He watched with increasing sadness as the seasoned actor placed every single last item of evidence into the secure envelope. It was heartbreaking to watch, he was still rendered speechless.

* * *

I heard Edna as she came down the stairs, she was holding him tightly and he was snuggling into the crook of her neck. Somehow she'd changed his clothes and soothed him back to sleep.

"He had made a bit of a mess." She whispered. "Got himself in right state, poor little fella."

"We've been on a waiting list for a few years now." Ed finally spoke up. "Just because we couldn't have children didn't mean we didn't want any." It was said with sincerity. He tentatively placed his rough and slightly calloused hand on my own.

I looked at Ed, then Edna. "I just want him to be happy, cared for and loved. Given that stability and routine that I just can't provide."

Edna was about to pass him across to me but I motioned her to place him in the playpen on his side.

I was already letting go, the legal bonds were being severed by the government. The physical ones, well, I'd pretty much seen to that when I opted to take my publicist's suggestions.

As soon as I'd sat down and spoken with social services, I felt like a failure. My own father wouldn't have cared, he was always so focused on himself to notice that I needed his input. On the handful of occasions that he spoke, he only said the coldest of things. These snippets were obviously close to his heart.

'To get to the top, you need to step on a few people.'

'You have to break a few eggs to make an omelette.'

'If you're successful in your work, everyone will know your name. But in order to achieve success, the people you care about will get hurt.'

'Money, money is all you need. It shows power and success, how ruthless you are with it will make or break you.'

Mind you, he said all of these things when he was going through a messy divorce with his second wife.

I was turning into my father, but this. This would change that routine, this would change everything. Jay wouldn't turn into me, I wouldn't allow the cycle to continue.

 **Regarding CGI and the date in general; I'm going on the premise that Cliff and Libby started dating in the late 90s. If Jay was born in the 90s, well he'd be in his 20s by now (almost) and being that they are supposed to be teenagers still- it sorta works.**

 **If Cliff was acting in the 70s, he'd have to be born in the 50s which would make him look as old as Wu, but being that he was considerably younger looking, I'm going to say he was born in the late 60s, that would make him in his 50s or late 40s (such a young age to die though, gahh the screenwriters are so cruel!)**

 **Thanks for all the reviews.**


	7. Give me strength

"Did you get both envelopes?" I asked and waited with baited breath.

I was incensed at being phoned whilst in the film studios. Even more so by the child care agency that was overseeing the whole sorry state of affairs pertaining to his adoption.

I pinched the bridge of my nose as I listened to her droning on about having checked through the postbag and the mail room for any signs of the second secure envelope. "What do you mean by 'You lost it?'" I asked, feeling my blood pressure rise.

Yes, I already knew what she meant I was just stunned that it had actually happened. I couldn't help but feel a direct threat at that definite invasion of privacy.

"They were both sent together, by _secure mail_ and someone in _your_ office signed for it," My tone was not nice in the slightest. I was doing all in my power to not outright shout down the line at her. My self-control was on the threshold, it was being tested by a branch of government idiots that were supposed to be all about the safeguarding and stability of the children they claimed to be there for.

It couldn't have been further from the truth.

Again with the fake apologies. All office staff were the same. None of them meant it, they just did it, mostly to make themselves look better and to save face. Yeah, you kind of had a feeling that as soon as the phone was placed down they would be bitching about the caller to their line manager. And I was likely no exception, my name would be passed around the office like wildfire.

Pathetic, the whole thing was pathetic, a Goddamned waste of time.

A small part of me knew that it wasn't _her_ fault but it wasn't mine either. She just happened to be on the other end of the mobile as I yelled down the line at her. My raised voice got me some strange looks as my co-stars looked in my direction with some concern dotted on their smug faces.

I raised my hand to show that everything was okay. I didn't exactly want them coming over to me. **EVERYTHING WAS NOT OKAY.** "Thanks for the apology," I said through clenched teeth.

I ran my hands through my hair and felt the wig clips coming undone. I pulled it off gently because the dress and makeup artists had enough of a task to make it look like my own hair.

The wig net was hastily pulled off as my auburn hair and scalp could finally breathe again. "Someone needs to be held accountable for this. I paid for it to be sent securely and someone in your office block has signed for it, probably to sell off the items at a profit." I wasn't gentle in the slightest, I was sure she could feel my fiery anger attacking her from the other end of the phone as she stuttered in response.

I wasn't holding back. "Why did I bother to get rid of all his baby paraphernalia, when some useless halfwit in your office has lost the envelope with all his keepsakes in?"

My jaw clenched at her sickly sweet tone.

I bit my tongue, I was trying so hard not to swear. "Goddamit! Well, I've just given you the tracking details. _You_ can damn well find it yourselves and if you've lost it...well, then I'll have lost all faith in you."

She apologised again. There was a fumbling noise and a quick guess, she had eventually passed me to her manager.

"Still not acceptable is it? Some unscrupulous so and so has blatantly stolen the contents of that envelope. It's an invasion of goddamned privacy."

Annoyed didn't come close to how I was feeling and I needed solace. I had walked off the film set with a brief nod to the producers. I had just done a few shots and I wasn't due on set for another hour. My aim was to get to my own dressing room as quickly as I could and without bumping into anyone who wanted to talk.

Cursing as I went, dismissing my makeup assistant so I could be alone. I did the first thing that came to my mind when she closed the door. I opened my wardrobe and grabbed the decanted scotch. I poured myself a double before taking a large gulp of it.

"I swear to God that if that envelope isn't found then you can forget this whole adoption process."

The manager seemed incensed with my tone of voice. "Fine, then you'll be hearing from my lawyer in due course." I ended the phone call abruptly, throwing it to the floor in a howl of incandescent rage.

"What the heck happened here? Why is everything turning to shit?" I mumbled as I looked into my lit mirror.

 _Breathe Cliff, b_ reathe _. Nice deep breaths._

Giving myself a pep talk sometimes helped. This time alcohol and a temple massage didn't even work.

Dammit, what am I supposed to do now?

* * *

 **Thanks for all the rv's**

 **Mayor of NC:**

 **MMM: Heh, well get there. The adoption process can be lengthy if there is no timescale involved.**

 **Master of Cupcakes: I'm guessing here but judging by the fact that Cliff was a megastar and an author of a very sexist book, he was madly in love with her. Perhaps the reason why he hadn't married again or that his palatial bachelor pad lacked any feminine touches.**

 **In general:**

 **The prospective parents have to go through some rigorous tests. This is to ensure that they are the ideal people to raise a child. Safeguarding is of the utmost importance when it comes to removing a child from a family to place them with another. Background checks to make sure that the potential parents aren't hardened criminals or have unlawful or unstable addictions.**

 **Stability, both working parents that can provide everything that the child needs. Love is the most important, as is being a non-smoker. Non-judgemental, open, honest and trustworthy individuals. Once everything else is in place, the child is handed over like a payment. No money is given and none is received unless you're Brangelina or Madonna.**

 **Adoption is the better alternative to foster care any day of the week, specifically for the young child. The child can be told of their upbringing if the parents wish to divulge, they don't always because it can severely rock the boat. Told that you were adopted can be akin to living a lie, being lied to for your entire life by people who you thought were your parents. (each case is different though: Some handle it better and want answers and some get the answers but feel disappointed.)**

 **Foster care, the foster parents (FP's) get a weekly incentive from social services. The FP's get sports and holiday allowance for the child. You could say that it's similar to a part time wage. (Unfortunately, some FP's only do it for the money.) The only real positive to foster care is that the child still gets to see their original parents and the familial bond is not broken. Fostering can provide respite for the biological parents, or offer them the chance to right their wrongs. To improve in the eyes of the government of what is right and what is wrong.**


	8. What now?

I hadn't seen Jay all week up until that point.

I got back home and the nanny had settled him down for the night. She seemed disappointed with me for some reason, yet she didn't explain why.

Hey, I'm a guy, cut me some slack.

I forgot okay, doesn't make me feel any better.

I missed his first birthday...

* * *

To be fair and to offer a meaningless excuse, I could just say that I'd been exceptionally busy, what with work and everything. Time just doesn't give up, it waits for no man.

Standing next to his cotbed, I peered down. Mildly surprised to see that he was still awake. He is such a lively child, always smiling when I'm around.

Truth be told, I'd not been around him recently. He had been ill and I couldn't chance becoming ill myself, not with the more risky stunt shots I partook in this and last week.

Suffice it to say, it isn't contagious. The nanny seems to think that he's teething. I don't even need to check I can see it when he gnaws on his wet knuckles. There's the smallest hint of a white tooth cutting through the gum. His red cheeks, again another sign.

I run my hand through the sparse amount of his auburn baby hair. He has my natural hair colour. He was born with the smallest amount of brown hair but that all fell out. We had a little wager, Libby and I, about what hair colour he would end up with. The winner would be pampered for the whole day. I guessed that when he was born and as he grew, that he'd end up with blonde hair, she guessed auburn.

It was a whirlwind romance, we were so in love.

When I first met Libby and after we got together, we'd spoken about having children. We had wanted two, a boy and a girl.

Like every new romance, we had a few dates. It had to be done in secrecy though, largely because my publicist said my adoring female fans would lose interest. But heck, it happened so fast. I fell for her and she fell for me and before we knew it, we'd fallen in love.

Not long after I proposed, we had a private cosy ceremony. Only her closest friends came, then we were whisked away for a honeymoon. It didn't take long for her to catch and before we knew it, Libby was pregnant. We decided when we got back that we would keep it a secret, that was, until it couldn't be hidden anymore.

When we decided to tell everyone, Libby wore the most breathtaking blue dress that hugged all of her new curves. It couldn't be hidden anymore so she flaunted that beautiful pregnant bloom. She wore it well, she was gorgeous.

As a typical first time father, I went to each scan with her. The dating scan told us when he was conceived, haa, we already knew when that had happened. We also decided against finding out the gender during the anomaly scan The sonographer told both of us to look away when she skimmed over his lower spine. Neither of us looked, we only looked at each other.

I felt her anxiety though, but it was a normal feeling. Both of us released a huge sigh of relief when the sonographer said everything looked good. Baby was developing well and estimated due date would be March 29th. He arrived a few days earlier, the little tyke was as eager to see the world as we were to see him.

* * *

A year ago today, he was born. Libby died when he was only seven months old.

She never got to see him crawl, or cruise around the playpen on unsteady feet. Never got to hear him say his first babbling words.

It had affected Jay too. The paediatric nurse said that he had degressed in his developmental stages. He stopped smiling, separation anxiety was worse than normal. For such a little babbling babe, he became exceptionally quiet over the space of a few days. Following that episode, he barely did anything except cry.

It was obvious who he was crying for, we both wanted her. He needed her just as much. It took so long to break him out of that shell but being on the road simply prolonged the heartache, for both of us.

We only had each other until a nanny was suggested.

It was only supposed to be a temporary fix. But it never turned out like that.

I'd lost that bond with him and now we were just surviving together, rarely seeing each other except for before and after work.

I felt bad, guilty. "Happy birthday little fella." I picked him up and gave him a hug.

It was evident that Jay wanted to pull at my hair instead of look at me.

"Dadadadada."

"Daddy." I gently corrected.

"Dadadadad."

"Close enough." I said. I kissed his forehead, placing him back down before setting his magic lantern nightlight and lullaby on.

Well tomorrow was moving day and it looked like I was going to be moving to my new pad with this little guy. This really wasn't part of the plan. The house I was moving in to wasn't exactly baby proofed and most of his things had been boxed up too.


	9. Worst parent in the world x infinity

"Well little guy, it's just you and me, in this big house."

He just snuggled into my neck. I think he was glad to be held after being stuck in his car seat for so long. It was safer that way and avoided him getting hurt during the whole moving process.

Edna had only just dropped him off, she had offered to look after him for a few hours whilst I oversaw the move. This time I was adamant that I would see everything packed up and placed securely on the moving truck.

After the whole debacle with that one solitary arm of the government, I wasn't willing to take any further risks to our safety. It was unsettling to know that some asshat had some personal details pertaining to my only child, my only son.

The troubling thought was that I was still due on set tomorrow. The schedule was always tight when a film was pre-production. I still had a few extra shots to film, then there were the Easter eggs and future movie teasers.

I walked up the stairs of our new home, he was struggling to keep his eyes open and I knew he was tired. Once in his ridiculously large room, I placed him into his cot bed and left the door ajar. I still had lines to practice and boxes to unpack so I walked back downstairs, in a hope that he would at least sleep or maybe do his usual power naps.

I swore to him that I would make it up to him for missing his birthday, I still felt really bad about that. Heck, I was all he had and even I couldn't get it right. The poor little guy had no chance.

Back downstairs I scooped up my lines for the next few scenes. I sat down with a hot drink and began reading in earnest. The accent chosen was certainly in my repertoire of practised character profiles and this one seemed to have won over the director and screenwriters approvals,

You'd be surprised how long it takes to film these minute to three-minute specials. You know, the same level of detail is afforded to those teasers because we want those steadfast fans to come back year after year. It's what keeps the money rolling in for the studios and the actors who command such a large wage.

I don't command a large wage as such but the film studios pay me a damn good salary that is usually in direct competition with another film studio.

Let's just say that I'll never need for much when I retire and neither will little tyke.

* * *

A loud racket soon snapped me back to my senses, followed shortly by a loud pained cry. The type of wailing that I affectionately term as a creaky door cry because it usually starts off with a large intake of breath.

That cry was the type he did rarely, so to hear it was akin to rocket fuel.

I shot upstairs as fast as I could. Dreading to think what had happened to cause him to cry so loudly. He was still sobbing uncontrollably when I got to him.

He had somehow escaped from his playpen and made his way into the walk in wardrobe. I was immensely relieved that he hadn't attempted the stairs.

"JAY!" I cried out and picked him up off the floor.

It was only when I turned him to look him over, did I realise that he had been injured. He was bleeding, above his eye.

The offending item was a small now broken picture frame. A large segment of glass was laying next to him. The corner of the picture frame had blood on it. It had broken his skin and was free flowing down one side of his face.

"Oh, no, no, no, no!"

"God no...shit!" I fumbled with my phone, my hands were shaking as I tried to gain a purchase of the slippery little fella.

I scooped him up and quickly stalked to the bathroom to grab a hand towel. I placed the towel over his injured eyebrow and paced the floor of the same room while waiting for the Paediatric ER to answer the phone.

Eventually, someone answered.

"Bring him in, he might need stitches."

"Wet a clean cloth with cooled boiled water."

He was still crying and nothing I tried seemed to work. Cold compress, a small oral syringe of paediatric analgesia. Nothing was working. His eyebrow was still bleeding and I felt so low at putting him in this situation.

Within a few minutes, I had grabbed a few supplies for both of us before strapping him into his car seat.

I think I broke the speed limit getting to the children's ER. If I got a fine I'd pay it, I couldn't do with the negative press relating to contesting a fine.

He was tired, and somehow the gash had produced a stream of blood that went directly into his little blue eyes. He looked a right mess because of that gash, even his knuckles were covered in blood from rubbing his eyes.

* * *

Duplicates and such, spelling errors and what not. Thanks guys xxSRxx


	10. 2 for the price of 1

My publicist had mentioned the unwanted attention that rising superstars got. Stalkers and the like, fake friends who would do anything to get into your life before turning into your worst nightmare. Yeah, he was probably being a little too melodramatic but he got the point across.

Even when we were on the road or on set. The film studio and human resources department only ever provided us with the most discreet companies out there. Those that offered complete and utter discretion.

Discretion was always advised when dealing with famous people. So pretty much everyone employed by them was given the whole rigorous testing protocol, background checks, data protection contracts and clauses. They also had to have damn good indemnity and personal liability insurances because there would be no way in hell that the film studio would reimburse if the incident was caused by their own foolish mistakes.

The film studios were only there to make money and boy did they. It was a carousel, a merry go round.

The sheer amount of money they make on a yearly basis is obscene, and yes, the actors, if they are good, also make some good money too.

* * *

Lucky for us, that I had enough money to get him to a **_private hospital_**. The others ones, even though not especially full, always have that chance that someone there will recognise you and before you know it, the press are there too.

But having the press show up, doesn't look bad on the hospital, does it? **_Oh no, not at all_** , it looks bad on the celebrity because obviously, they brought it upon themselves by making the mistake of going there in the first place to get emergency healthcare. It's ridiculous really, we set ourselves apart from our fans and the general public because as soon as we're famous, we become a magnet for any and all sort and everyone thinks we've done it on purpose.

No, this place is so much better, privacy is afforded to all who can afford the healthcare insurance, discretion is always given and privacy above all else. Heck, hey even have a secluded entrance for people like me to use with valet parking. I'm not bragging or anything, honestly. Just telling it how it is.

There's the discretion thing again. Not to mention, the rooms are all private.

So here I am, sitting with my son.

He is currently having his eyebrow glued by a paediatric consultant who is likely paid a small fortune too. They don't want to risk stitches, they say that they would have to sedate him for that and that's something no parent ever wants to see.

Currently, he's being pacified by his favourite toy, with a soother in his mouth. He got himself in so much of a state that even though he's not crying now, he's still sniffling. His little blue eyes are bloodshot and red-rimmed with tiredness.

The Paediatrician had wanted to check that he had no signs of cranial trauma, they had to rule everything out. So after a few hours of checking and thirty-minute observations, we were sitting back in our private children's hospital room.

He was still sitting up in a hospital cot bed, sniffling every once in a while.

"Whilst he's here you may as well get him vaccinated, he's due his yearly boosters." The nurse stated with a smile.

"Sure, why not." Her reasoning won out over mine and wanting to get him back home.

I chanced a glance at my watch, it was just after midnight. The nurse got my attention again, she offered me a sheet, with the list of four vaccinations that he needed at a year old, followed by a crossed area that required my signature.

"Sorry buddy, you're gonna hate me even more after this." I sighed and looked at the list of things he'd need. It ranged from Meningitis B and C, pneumococcal and the dreaded MMR.

"He might feel a little feverish after these but just offer him his regular analgesia if his temperature goes over 38C, okay?"

"Okay," I mumbled slowly and watched as another nurse came in to countersign the list of medicine they were drawing up into their four syringes.

"It might be best if you hold him tightly, facing you or away...either is fine. We just need you to hold him firm so he doesn't wriggle."

I don't know what I was thinking but I asked anyway? "Why would I need to hold him tight?"

I could tell she was thinking it, first-time father and only child."

"It's simply so he doesn't pull away when the needle goes in. Believe me, Mr Gordon, we've lost count of the number of babies we've had to double jab because the measured dose didn't go in when the child flinched."

I did as they asked and snuggled him into my chest. It was a feeling I hadn't felt for so long as his tear soaked face rested against me. I placed one hand on his head and allowed him to listen to my heart, hoping that it would provide him with some reassurance. It was similar to how Libby would have done when he was still newborn.

He settled almost immediately, although I could still feel him sniffling every so often. My other arm held his back and waist firm as the nurses took their respective positions around me.

They didn't even count down, both went into his upper arms at the same time and within a few seconds he wailed loudly in response. Sheesh, these nurses were so ruthless, I guess they had to be, they were dealing with kids and not only that, they were dealing with parents.

Again they both disposed of the needles as I tried to soothe Jay again. His little face was so angry, it was a good job I wasn't hormonal otherwise I would have cried with him, in fact, I'm sure Libby did just that when she took him for his first lot of jabs.

"Next set is in the thighs, much more fatty tissue to perfuse in." She reasoned with me as she knelt down on one side whilst the other did the same.

"Once we're done here you're free to go. Doctor's orders, being that you've signed the discharge forms and there's no cranial damage." The senior nurse mentioned.

"Sorry Jay, a necessary evil," I whispered as he calmed again.

Then I felt him tense in my grasp once more as the needles were both pushed into both his chubby thighs, the contents quickly released.

I didn't even notice them getting up to dispose of their needles, I didn't even see them leave the room or sign their paperwork or leave me a form. I was too busy trying to console him again. He was hysterical, poor little guy. He even kicked his baby sneakers off as he wriggled to evade my grasp.

"I'm so sorry Jay, today has been absolute hell for you, and it was all my fault."


	11. Reminiscence

Arriving back at our new home in the early hours was no fun at all. I pulled into the side garage and grabbed his car seat, hoisting him up with some difficulty. I noticed the little guy was putting on weight, 91st centile or something like that. The Paediatrician mentioned that if he carried on growing at this rate, Jay would likely end up being as tall as me. It wasn't a bad thing, I was tall, Libby had been too, tall and blonde and beautiful. It was obvious that Jay was going to follow that trend too.

The thought hit me like a stunt gone wrong.

It was the same hospital where it had all began, the one where he was born.

Ya know, I can remember when Libby was in labour with him. The sonographers had thought that he would be a small baby judging by his curled up appearance, it happened every time we opted for an additional scan.

"Push Libby, come on." I soothed, mopping her brow. Wincing and biting down on my lip when she squeezed back in response.

I ignored the guttural screams and curses that fell from her mouth in those few hours in the delivery room. I'd never really experienced her strength before, but now I had a feeling how her enemies felt. All that body conditioning had proved useful for core strengthening, a little too well if you asked me.

The gynae consultant mentioned the threat of a caesarian, basing it on the fact that her body didn't want to push through the pain. The adrenaline was surging through her veins in her pain soaked haze, in a way, it was almost preventing her from progressing.

She span her head so fast I thought it would drop off, or that it might spin the full circle, reminiscent of those horror movies you see. The good old green screen again. "No caesarian's, I can do this... _CLIFF!_ " She growled in response and squeezed even harder than before.

I swear my fingers would be broken soon.

"A few more pushes Libby." The nurse encouraged. "The head is crowning, do you want to see it Mr Gordon?"

Good god no, I swore under my breath that if I saw that I'd never be able to keep a straight face.

She grimaced and shrieked in agony. I swear she was trying to break all the bones in my hand. Yet for some unexplainable reason, she still held the Entonox away from her own mouth.

If she wasn't going to use it then I would probably need it sooner rather than later.

"Use the gas and air, please Libby. You need to trust me, it'll help with the pain." The nurse soothed and kept her hand on Libby's extended stomach.

She was evidently palpating for contractions, that were at present rocking Libby's body every few minutes. There was no doubt in her mind, Libby was in the final stage. The baby had moved down and was about to be born. We were about to find out if the baby was going to be a girl or a boy.

"Breathe, use the gas and air now, deep breaths." She ordered and Libby complied almost immediately.

The effect was instantaneous, she seemed mellow and relaxed. Laying in a warmed birthing pool with a nurse and doula at her side. I wasn't in the water with her, something to do with infection control and health and safety.

Again she trembled and pushed through the contraction, another scream ensued and the head finally emerged. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. All I could see was a smattering of dark hair and an incredibly scrunched up face.

A few pushes later and she had birthed his shoulders, the rest followed quickly.

The good thing with a water birth was the fact that she didn't need to grasp him immediately. He was still tethered to her, and her body was providing all the oxygen he needed by way of that coiled and veiny umbilical cord.

But within a few seconds she had grasped our newborn baby and had turned the child so we could both look. She cradled the baby to her chest in a maternal protective embrace, the type that made my heart melt.

I looked at her in absolute amazement at what she had just achieved, I have never felt so much love for this woman as I did right now.

"It's a boy..." She said with the biggest smile. Her flushed face looked thoroughly exhausted at what she had just endured.

"Do you want to cut the cord?" The doula had asked.

I nodded, unable to say anything as I was afraid that I was about to cry with emotional strain at having witnessed the miracle that was childbirth.

She handed me a tray with a pair of sterile scissors, whilst the nurse clamped the cord at two separate intervals.

"Cut between the clamps." She urged gently.

This cut would be the end of them being as one. It would signify the introduction of a third and much longed for addition to our family. One that we had been impatient and excited about since finding out. I cut it quickly and watched as the nurse helped her from the bathtub.

"Will you be removing your shirt?" The nurse inquired.

I nodded, apprehensively. Feeling a little bashful at having to do so in front of two relative female strangers. Libby shot me a smirk. I removed my shirt and felt as our son was handed to me as they continued checking Libby over. Apparently, there was a fourth stage of labour I wasn't notified about, something to do with the cord and placenta. I didn't really want to see that part, this was traumatic enough, but with a good result obviously. This tiny wriggling baby had been placed into my arms and I did the first thing that came naturally, I pulled him into my chest and breathed in his unique baby scent.

An instant bond, an overarching desire to protect this little miracle from anything and everything. A tear fell from my face as I looked him over.

"Skin to skin is meant to be beneficial for bonding. It helps father and child as well as helping to regulate baby's temperature and provides a calmness to him, otherwise known as rooming in!" The nurse commented from her position at Libby's side.

I was instantly in love with him. Taking him in in every detail, from his dark eyes to his spindly long legs that resembled frogs legs to his impossibly thin arms. He, like many other newborns, looked quite a sight. His face was still largely squished from the process but his rotund tummy made him look like he'd already partaken in a large amount of nutrient rich food prior to being born.

A second nurse asked if she could weigh him, I shrugged my shoulders and handed him across. The little thing still hadn't got any clothes on and I soon realised why.

He was weighed and they checked his vital signs. His Apgar scores were 10, 10 and 10 shortly followed by the Moro reflex and everything in-between. It all whizzed by in the blink of an eye whilst I tried and struggled to put it into words what I had just experienced.

A few minutes later he was handed back to me, swaddled in a tight blanket. "You can dress him if you want."

I gulped and did so. Pulling his bag across the floor to check what clothes we had brought with us. Inside were a variety of things, ranging from neutral to pink to blue baby vests. The newborn diapers looked huge, it was hard to believe that a baby would fit into them without getting lost...but he did, even though the diaper was too big.

Next was the vest, it slipped over his tiny head easily. Although I fumbled a fair bit, I really was aware that his skull hadn't moulded yet and I was scared of breaking him. I fastened the poppers then started on the sleepsuit. This one was fairly straightforward too. Hey, I'd been practising ya know. Libby and her insistence to go to parentcraft classes.

This one fastened at the front even had built in scratch mitts, which was quite handy considering neither of us had thought to bring nail clippers. Once the sleepsuit was in situ, I turned the sleeves down and prevented him from scratching his face to shreds before handing the finished article (our son) to Libby. The doula took him from me gently as Libby was helped to sit upright.

It was now evident to me that despite my fussing of him, he wanted something else entirely. The doula was quick to hand our son to Libby, once there, she helped to reposition him and he latched on straight away.

In the space of a few hours, we had gone from husband and wife to a mother and father. Welcoming a brand new life into our mad world.

But wow what a ride and it had only just started.

* * *

That was just over a year ago.

Hard to believe it could all have happened so quickly.

* * *

Thanks for the reviews everybody. This story will be wrapping up soon, the epilogue will be the heartbreaker.

Grammarly glitch = duplicates


	12. Chapter 12

Now safely back at home, I tucked Jay in his cot bed.

The paediatrician said he'd more than likely have a black eye and quite possibly a scar directly through his eyebrow. For now, it was largely wrapped with a gauze dressing. Jay also had little scratch mitts on to prevent himself from ripping the dressing off in his sleep subconsciously or not.

This time I remembered to put the baby monitor on before I trundled down the long winding stairs with the hand held part of the receiver.

It was my fault in a way.

I should have been watching him better. Should have baby proofed the house.

But,

He was never supposed to come here with me. He would have been so much better away from all of this. Away from this blasted limelight, away from the constant scrutiny of the paparazzi. The press who set you up to fail, the ones who are there to capture your rise and fall.

Right now, I bet there was some unscrupulous sod who was processing the photos from early this morning. Me carrying my son, with blood on his face.

I can read the headlines now, it'll only be a matter of time before they're released and my publicist has a literal infarct. I swear one more thing goes wrong and he'll keel over like my first sailing vessel.

"Cliff Gordon, Actor and abusive father lashes out at son in a moment of rage."

I grabbed the scotch and scooped up a few ice cubes from the drinks cabinet chiller.

"Sorry Jay, but tomorrow, operation get you a better family will start in earnest."


	13. Epilogue

Here I am stuck in a private hospital, afforded the privacy that most desire upon their last breathing moments. The nurse, I have come to know has been here every other day. She does half shifts, just to be a familiar face because she knows I have no family. I think it's because she doesn't want me to feel like I am alone. Who wants to be alone in dying and death?

I hear brief conversations of news relating the ninja, heartbreaking things too. The most recent being Sky Pirates, I thought we had seen the last of those a few years back when the group were still training the young green ninja. But this new one, I hear, is ruthless and some made up name I thought was only true in fairy tales, a genie or djinn, something like that.

I think the rumours are worrisome for all who have been affected by him. As yet, the captain of the pirate's ship has not touched the hospital, although if he did I would wish for one more chance at this. A chance to make it right.

All I have is my hearing now. I don't have the strength to open my eyes it's been a few days now since I saw anything. Did you know that they say that our hearing is the last thing to go?

If that is the case, I'm in the best place, locked in my own mind, reliving everything over and over. All I have now are my memories, and the gift of hearing is still with me.

* * *

 **So here's my tale and my journey thus far:**

We always have those regrets as we lay dying. Mine is no different.

The what ifs, why's and how's. But when it comes down to it, all that matters is what you've learnt along the way.

I had a beautiful wife, she was smart, of keen intellect, intelligent and strong of mind and body. The sharpest wit that no-one would have suspected. She had a heart of pure gold, hair so blonde and sparkling blue eyes, full of such energy. She was mine and I was hers until death claimed her. I never had the happy ever after, it was taken far too soon. But hey, I had a pretty good stab at it. Had the fame and the fortune, the excess and the lifestyle that accompanies a very rich exuberant lifestyle.

And then I threw it all away.

During our bliss, we had a baby, we'd spoken about having them, we wanted more but it was never to be.

When Libby passed, my heart died with her. You've all heard it before when a soul mate dies, well, a part of the tethered soul dies with them. Never a truer word was spoken, from my point of view.

I found it so hard to live, to exist without her that I spent every waking moment after, stuck into my career, literally. I put my head into the sand and blotted everything out, even my son.

Wu, of course, had been right all along. I inwardly cursed at that old man's wisdom but watched with a scared anticipation as he moulded his young students into the warriors that they were obviously destined to become.

Along the way, I kept tabs on my only child. I observed from the sidelines, watching and secretly cheering on his great endeavours with pride in my heart. Saw the young man that he was becoming and felt the same starts of love beginning to erupt with the way he acted around the dark haired girl.

All of his accomplishments and those of his brothers in arms were collected and kept safe in my dressing room. I'd made a shrine during my last few years. It was all I could do to feel a closeness to the son I had given away.

Don't ask me how but I managed to get hold of his battle armaments, it was remarkable, it was the same colour as Libby's too but more advanced in style.

All in all what could I possibly say, Jay had a good upbringing. Once he was out of my care, Ed and Edna cared for him as I knew they would. He flourished with their guidance and love, far more than he would have done with mine. All I gave him was instability, the love was always there though.

Maybe that was what had affected my heart so much. The doctor's and consultants called it heart disease. I shrugged it off inside. It was a broken heart, the medication did nothing for me.

I would die and he would still never know about me.

Because I never chose to pluck up the courage and approach him.

I had done all that I could think of, I had left him the details of where I lived, even left a golden key for him. I had assumed that Ed and Edna would present it to him on his 17th and that he would come looking, likely with questions and such. But he never came, not even two years later...not even today.

Ya know, it was amazing being an actor and that encompassed it. It was such a thrill ride. Being the sought out actor that could pull of so many different heroes. I did such a great job at hiding my feelings, none of my film star friends ever knew of the turmoil within.

 **What happened?**

Life happened, fate happened. A short and sharp feel of true love happened. A fatherly bond that bore a closeness unrivalled by any. A desire to protect him no matter what.

Yes, I gave him up. And, it was the worst possible mistake of my life but one I that I could not back away from. And how things take us by surprise. Jay found love and happiness with the people I thought best to take care of him. Ed and Edna, that loving sweet couple from the Sea of Sand.

 **So What?**

I lived my life, I didn't live to a ripe old age. I'm dying in my early 50's. Alone, in a sense. Waiting for a young man dressed in blue to find me before it is too late. I learnt to never give up on your dreams, to keep hold of what is dearest to you. I learnt that, _eventually_.

 **Now What?**

I'm so sorry James. I never meant for you to find out like this. I had something special planned for you when you had turned 18. I thought that Ed and Edna Walker would have told you before now. But, as usual, they were just as busy now as they were then.

I love you James, my son Jay Walker Gordon.

Love always

Laugh often

And live life to the fullest.

Make us proud son.


	14. Chapter 14

Alternate ending part 1/2

"Mr Gordon?" The nurses voice rouses me from my slumber and I stir in my half drugged haze.

"There's someone here to see you," Her voice was so softly spoken, she even held his hand gently and spoke clearly into his ear. "Say's he was your biggest fan, once."

Though Cliff couldn't see her face he could tell her voice was cracked with emotion and she was struggling to keep it together. But she did, exceptionally well because that was how she'd been trained. Don't get too attached to your patients, it's not professional to cry, to show emotion.

"Mmm?"

"It's alright Mr Gordon."

The door could be heard opening and the sounds of a person wandering in slowly, apprehensively. The person said nothing at all, they just relieved themselves of their heavy equipment, sat down in the chair next to the bed and gently scooped up Cliffs other hand.

"What's this for?" The male voice asked timidly.

It was hugely evident that this guest had no real concept of palliative care and the end of life.

"It's a syringe driver, anticipatory medication." She soothed, "So he's not in any pain."

"O-oh, r-right." The man shuffled closer, lifting his chair rather than dragging across the floor. "C-can he hear me?"

Cliff, right now, had already figured out that his guest was male, young too judging by his intonation and the cracked voice.

"Talk to him, tell him who you are."

"I-I uhm d-don't know what to say."

The nurse understood. It was always difficult to communicate with the dying, none more so than when they couldn't answer and return the compliment. Or when they were literally dying hour by hour. "I know, you've only just found out about him and that you're still shell shocked. But you'll get over these feelings soon enough and you'll be forever grateful to yourself for doing this. For saying your goodbyes."

She looked at the young man in her midst. He looked like he'd been through hell and back. Like he had a story to tell that could have surpassed that of an epic adventure. He was sweating, pinching the bridge of his nose with his eyes squeezed shut.

 **Written with medical knowledge and bits from Loki.**


	15. Chapter 15

"In other times, I would have been giddy to be sitting with my idol." He cringed, gahh that sounded so cheesy. "Sorry, I bet you hear that a lot, huh?"

His biological father squeezed Jay's hand, not tightly but enough to let Jay know he was listening.

"I only just found out about you." Jay whispered, not wanting to get too close. This was way out of his comfort zone, holding a man's hand whom he didn't know from Adam. "Guess my ma and pa thought I was emotionally mature enough to handle the truth."

"I-I just wish I'd known about you and Mom earlier."

The machines whirred around him in the background. This room wasn't clinical at all, not like it had been when they'd visited Nelson, _the purple ninja_. It was homely, with pictures frames, floral curtains and wooden cabinetry to make it seem more like a bedroom as opposed to a hospice section of the main hospital.

His phone buzzed and he stared at the screen momentarily before answering it. "Sup Cole?"

"I'm at the hospital."

"No, I'm not hurt."

"I'm visiting someone." He stared at the man on the bed, head in hands. "It's not a charity thing either."

"Look, c-can I talk to you about it later, now really isn't the best time?"

"Thanks, bye."

He looked up at his father, sighing. "I'm sorry about that, you know how it is when you work within a team. There's always someone who wants to know where you are. These guys are no different."

"The guy who I was just speaking to, well, he's my best friend Cole. We've had our ups and downs but we're closer now than we've ever been."

"I wish, I'd known more about you, and mom, earlier. It would've been different for sure." He stopped speaking, regretting those words from his most recent experience with the Djinn. Looking around himself nervously like he expected the djinn to appear, his name being some type of summoning spell.

"Your wish is your to keep." An eerie voice was heard. Jay wasn't sure it the voice was in his mind or if it was a part of what he had endured, not endured. Of what he remembered.

Closing his eyes, Jay held tight onto his fathers hand and before long, it disappeared like the grains of sand that he could feel sifting through his fingers.


End file.
